Undertow raises lots of questions—raising questions is something I like to do. That was one reason I wrote the book. But …
I’m surprised at what I call “the missing question.” After all the folks who’ve read Undertow and sent me notes about it, after the more than twenty Undertow presentations with Q&A that I’ve given, and after innumerable conversations about the story—both in private and not-so-private—I am surprised no one has yet asked me a question I think I would have asked me by now. Maybe people are too shy.
Granted, there’s been a related question asked, “What do you believe now?” but it doesn’t address a major, recurring point in the story that explains why I did so many things I did.
Note: If you’re not yet familiar with Undertow, you can read a good summary by Kirkus Review. Click here.
The missing question
The “missing” question and my response would go something like this:
Questioner: “You say in the book several times that you believed that God, the creator of the universe as described in the Bible, literally told you things to do. That’s why you did them.
Things such as committing yourself to the goals of The Way, dropping out of college, going into The Way Corps leadership training program, learning Aramaic, and marrying the young Way Corps man you married.
Me: Yes, at the time I truly believed God told me to do those things. In the book, for example, I describe the incident during the History exam at East Carolina University (where I was a freshman) when I felt God was showing me I should leave college to “work for The Way.” Later, there’s an incident at Way Headquarters where I felt God directed me, not audibly but in a quiet “intuition” way, to marry that particular person.
Hearing from God was something we regularly talked about. Victor Paul Wierwille, the leader, taught us the term “revelation from God,” which meant God gave you guidance, sometimes in the form of a clear thought, other times through a gut feeling, to do or say things. Wierwille qualified this by saying those personal “revelations” should and would not contradict the written Scripture He had already authored. If they did, then they could not be from the true God.
I understood from Way teachings that whatever things you believed God told you would be part of His plan for your life. If you didn’t do them, you’d miss out on abiding by His will. And that meant you were “out of fellowship with God.”
Questioner: Since your story shows that things you did while in The Way didn’t work out so well for you, do you still believe God actually told you to do them? Some were even harmful to one degree or another, such as the marriage failing so many times, and the biggest problem of all: your following Wierwille, a man who turned out to be different from the kind of “man of God” you thought he was.
Me: My short answer is “No.” A longer answer includes reflections like this: I now think that rather than the kind of God who was an entity outside of myself who directed me, I believe those thoughts and behaviors back then stemmed from my own will at the time, from my wishful thinking.
Even before being recruited into The Way, I was captivated by the concept of a God directing my path every single day. The Christians in Young Life, the ones I met in high school, influenced my thinking on that. No matter the situation, I clung to the idea that God had a plan for me and was telling me what to do to fulfill it.
To say God told me to do something I probably already desired to do, seems to me now to be a self-validating belief. Anyway, in many instances, my will and God’s sure seemed the same … how convenient!
For believers who assert that God speaks to them, this topic sure invites the question: “How can you tell the difference between your own thoughts, wishes, and desires and a so-called revelation from God?”
I suspect some Way folks would still say what Wierwille taught: that we can recognize God’s voice as the still small voice in our heads that we “hear.”
But regarding my decisions mentioned above, I was certain I’d heard from God, but look what happened! Often heartache and tragedy. I know I’m not the only one for whom things turned sour after the initial infatuation with The Way.
Questioner: Do you think God told you to leave The Way?
Me: No. I left because I had weighed all the evidence I’d seen and discovered regarding Wierwille’s deceptive practices, and I chose to go. Facts matter.
My choice was based on a desire to remove myself from what, in my view, was a controlling and corrupt organization. And it didn’t get that way over time, it was that way from the beginning. That’s how Wierwille ran it from day one.
My conscience, my moral bearings, would not allow me to stay, given what I had discovered.
Thanks for reading!
Your writer on the wing,
Charlene
P.S. I divorced Facebook last summer, but you can find me on Twitter.
Nina. Cook Young (husband is Charles Young)
Hi Charlene. I enjoyed reading your book. I actually read it a few years ago. I also read Kris Skedgell’s book before that. Both were very helpful to me as each book emphasized different things. I guess I identified with Kris’s book more because I was sexually harrassed by VPW. Needless to say, the Way scarred me for a very long time. I meet people from time to time who STILL have VPW on a pedestal. I recently had a conversation with 2 people and tried to talk some sense into them but they are still in that Way brain fog. One of them ended up calling me a “hater”. I don’t know why I try. ?
I do want to say that I still enjoy hearing God’s voice. Its all over the Bible. My husband and I also enjoy attending a contemporary Presbyterian service where uilization of the gifts of the spirit are greatly encouraged. None of the wonderful Christians at our church ever knew about the Way but they do read the Bible.
I think that VPW taught some great things about Christianity and God. Its just too bad he stole most of it. I think,too, that the toxic environment in which these truths were taught turned many against God and his wonderful Son. That is a tragedy.
My husband and I have come to learn that relationship is what our Lord wants. A living, breathing fellowship and conversation with our Father and his Son. Theology is low on His list.
You might disagree with me there.
But I did want to connect with you and tell you I loved your book. I did not however agree with some of your conclusions about the gifts and a few other things but I am glad to have read the book. I recommend it to others.
I hope you are well. And I hope you still pray to a wonderful heavenly Father who loves you more than you could ever imagine. I pray my way through life. Its the only way I can make it.
Charlene L. Edge
Hi Nina,
Thanks for reading Undertow and for sharing a bit of your story here. You are brave. It’s a shame women like you and Kristen never saw VPW answer for his transgressions in a court of law before he died. I sure would have liked that.
Of course, I’m very glad you got away from VPW’s influence and now have found a loving place to worship! I think each of our journeys are quite different, yet we have a good deal in common, like respect for people and kindness and basic human decency. Love, in its many forms, seems to be the great healer of us all.
Warmest wishes,
Charlene
Robert Lunsford
Questioner: Do you believe in God at all after your experience with The Way? If no, would you still, absent The Way? If yes, how has your belief changed?
Charlene Edge
I don’t conceive of “God” in the same way I used to. Here are some of my thoughts on the topic, Robert.
https://charleneedge.com/charlenes-post-cult-nonreligious-alternative/
Cyndee Sowers
Thank you for your Honesty.
Facts do certainly matter and still after so many decades of leaving twi my radar is on .
I had joined a church and loved it for a few years but then it got legalistic and cult like.
Ptsd in spiritual matters can get really crazy.
People take care yourselves.
God knows you always loved him (why else would we have got into Biblical Research)
I find my peace now in my backyard under the tree with my beagle and God.
Charlene L. Edge
Hi Cyndee,
Thanks for commenting here. Take care and enjoy the peace you’ve found. I’m doing that, too.
Cheers,
Charlene
Karla Galvin
I was intrigued by your newest blog. I thought the missing question would have been; “What do you think of Jesus Christ, who he is today and/or who he was in the past?
Charlene L. Edge
Hi Karla,
I appreciate your question. Given what I’ve read in the gospels, my best answer for this is that I see Jesus Christ as a great moral teacher. But I don’t know everything … that’s for sure. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t say that in a snarky way but straight from my heart.
Warmest wishes,
Charlene
Judy Halliday Snyder
Charlene,
I read your book last year. It was very enlightening and answered some of my questions about my own experiences. I am from the 4th Corps. I read the link to your thoughts now about religion. I respect them. I had thought that maybe your Aramaic studies would have still kept you interested in Bible study. I am thankful for the Bible understanding I learned in the Way. But God has sure broadened my experiences since then and continues to open my eyes to new thoughts and ideas and bring me into contact with people and organizations that continue to teach and challenge me. I have had a few experiences that were so convincing that God knew me and showed me he was close. I know saying God talks to me is a stretch. But my husband (also a 9th Corps grad) and I have fellowshipped in several different denominations over the years and appreciate the new learning in each experience. While we were in CA for 8 years taking care of my mother in her last years we participated in a Presbyterian church. One Sunday I would be speaking and I kept praying that it wouldn’t be my speaking ability that people appreciated but the content of the message. That week I came across a song that the chorus said something like “It’s all about you Jesus”. That was what I wanted communicated. It wasn’t a praise song I was familiar with and hadn’t remembered singing at church. But that
Sunday pulling into the parking lot early the band was rehearsing that very song and it was placed in the service right before I spoke. It brought me to tears! I have had a few others too that seem clear to me. I love the exposure I’ve had to Carl Medearis and the Simply Jesus Gathering. His YouTube experiences in Lebanon sharing Jesus are inspiring and humorous. I am very thankful I heard about Strategic Renewal and experienced attending their prayer summits while in CA. I am thankful I came across The Bible Project 5 years ago and love their videos and podcasts. They have a read through the Bible in a year plan that has really blessed me. I finally started reading my Bible for myself and love the insights the Holy Spirit seems to inspire in me. I prefer just to read and not look much at commentaries. I actually did a read through one year with two young girls in their 20’s who had never read it much of it before and I saw God work with them each so individually in what spoke to them and not attempting to teach them anything for the most part. We are now in KY where our daughter lives (we raised our son and daughter in NH) enjoying our 2 year old granddaughter. And we find that God has led us to a Disciples of Christ church for the first time. Their history is interesting and they have just 3 corps beliefs and are very understanding of differences of opinion on everything else in the Bible which is sometimes disconcerting but often times refreshing. Anyway I’ve though often of you and your journey and wondered the question from above about what beliefs you had grown into over your years. I enjoyed reading your thoughts. Blessings,
Charlene L. Edge
Good to hear from you, Judy. It’s clear that you’re a strong woman. Wishing you the the very best in all you seek and do!
Charlene